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saturday, 17 july, 2004
do as the mime says, and nobody gets hurt Confession time, Dear Reader. Surprising though it may seem, there are days when it's hard to remember why I do this. Days not unlike today. Melville, while on a book tour for Moby Dick, surely got to the heart of it when he famously observed, "Writing—what a fabulous way to meet chicks!" And yet, the dedicated blogger's life is also one of profound commitment and ceaseless toil that cannot help but give one pause. The cost to the blogger for your, the reader's, fleeting pleasure is nothing less than blood, sweat, and tears...and let no one doubt what a soggy mess that can be. But driven to serve, blog on we must. Damn the torpedoes, the slings and arrows, and any other ordnance a thankless world sends the blogger's way. It seemed a good idea at the time, ads seeking an affordable celebrity spokesperson/media mascot for A Boy & His Blog. Indeed, early results seemed promising. The New York Times yielded the first tentative inquiries, but the ad was too expensive to run for more than a day, and then only in Wednesday's Staten Island Large-Print Edition. Other publications, however, proved both fruitful and more reasonably priced. The Bogotá Mundo-Picayune, Upssala Better Fjords & Gardens, and The Kabul Tattler—their fingers on the pulse of trends like holistic dentistry and xtreme gardening (Top 10 Tips for Pornographic Topiary!)—all draw a hip, young, urban demographic. Where better to find someone tuned in to today's sophisticated, cutting-edge blog? At first, interviewing went smoothly. Daring aerialists, castanet virtuosi, and newly-deposed nabobs all make for a diverting day's work, interview-wise. So, too, do air raid wardens, Sumerian sorcerers, and used-yak salesman. Admittedly, not every applicant boasted "celebrity" credentials of the highest order, but all were eager to represent A Boy & His Blog at minimal cost.
A moving spectacle of untold power: declaiming barometric pressure on the hour, amidst inconsolable grief.
A smart fitted slipcover of 100% cotton from Crate & Barrel couldn't disguise this celebrity applicant, a prestigious seat of higher learning on the River Cam.
Inevitably, some interviews went better than others.
Often people asked for tips on successful interviewing.
Good eye contact is always a plus, I advised.
Modesty is a virtue much underrated, I would add.
I cautioned that a little ostentation goes a long way.
Despite an encouraging start, early signs of trouble soon appeared. Applicants arrived faster than they could be interviewed. A generous quantity of suitably undesirable magazines was made available, thus transforming the living room into a true waiting room. Compact camp stoves, endorsed by Sir Edmund Hillary and the Iron Chef, were distributed and put to good use. Before you could say "Supersize me," the apartment assumed the redolence of blintzes, whale blubber, and braised monkey brain. Ah, the sweet smell of diversity.
The long wait often took its toll...
...but the mortality rate was well within acceptable limits. Throughout, spirits remained high, outlooks, sunny.
As applications swelled, crowd control became an issue. A low point was the day the Bader-Meinhof gang applied en masse. Surprisingly, the gang was composed entirely of pygmy mimes in drag. Their behavior, as even they later admitted, was swinishly inconsiderate. They mimed rude noises, refused to share the magazines, and disparaged the braised monkey brain as flat, its flavor lacking in the subtle complexity created by felicitous seasoning.
Weeks went by. The relentless tide of applicants swelled, and the waiting room threatened to burst at the seams. Matters weren't helped by an imposing stretch of sewer that had recently applied, nor by the arrival soon thereafter of the widely acclaimed Ross Ice Shelf.
One subterranean conduit was unusually agile for its size and spoke in tongues.
It became necessary to enlarge the waiting room.
Due to the heavy volume of response to our ads, interviews have been suspended until further notice. If you were planning to apply, thank you for your interest, but we ask that you kindly wait. Please check back often for news of developments as they occur. And not to worry. The aforementioned complications notwithstanding, I'm not about to give up blogging just yet. For as Virginia Woolf so sagely noted while on a book tour for Orlando, "Writing—what a fabulous way to meet chicks!"
And still they come, ever hopeful, undeterred by Thirst, Hunger, or Reason.
posted 11:02 P.M. powered by Movable Tripe © 2004 Jerry Armstrong
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